I saw a picture the other day; it was a woman, with three kids ages 3 years, 2 years, and 8 months. The mother looked like she just walked out of a sporty Victoria’s Secret commercial. The caption for the picture was, “What’s your excuse?”

At first I was offended. I was definitely fit before I had my first child, but I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy despite continuous exercise, eating the same amount of calories, “giving in” to my cravings for vegetables, and my doctor telling me I was "gaining too much weight".

As someone who has always struggled with a healthy body image (read "fear of being fat"), being pregnant and gaining weight was hard. I wanted to be one of those "skinny pregnant" women. Hearing my doctor say I was gaining too much weight made me cry. I vowed I would be "skinny" again. 

After my pregnancy I managed to lose thirty pounds, but still ten pounds heavier than my previous weight, I was unhappy with myself. Even though I wasn't overweight, I thought to myself, “Self, you need to get skinny. You can’t be the “fat” mom. You only have one kid. You should be able to lose this weight.” I never did lose those ten pounds, despite continued exercise; biking, walking, pilates, yoga, Jillian Michaels, etc.

When I saw this picture with an “apology” to the moms she had offended (me being one of them) I wanted to throw my phone across the room like a two year old. Then I realized, “How sad.”

How sad that motherhood has been reduced to your dress size, ab count, and “what’s your excuse?”

How sad to act as if motherhood is a beauty pageant and if you’re still hanging onto those extra ten pounds then shame on you. 

How sad that we think that we aren't worth as much as the next mom because of our appearance.

Motherhood is more than being the hot, skinny mom. Motherhood is more than how busy you are, how many extracurricular activities your child participates in, or how long you nurse your kid.

Motherhood is about nurturing. Motherhood is about teaching your child skills; how to behave in public, to say “please” and “thank you”, to discipline, to teach independence and self-reliance. Motherhood is about love; learning to love and teaching your children to love. Motherhood is about charity. Motherhood is about who we are as women, whether we have children or not. We can all be mothers, love each other, and lift one another up.

So instead of asking you, “What’s your excuse?” I’m going to ask you first, “What do you want to change?” and secondly, “How much have you changed since yesterday?” This is for all aspects of our lives; health, church, school, children, friends, etc. It’s okay to have that extra weight. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. Every day is a new day, a day to feel better, be better, and do better.

Now I'm going to tell  you and if you can relate to this post I hope you feel it: You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are doing enough. Motherhood is more than our appearance. Motherhood is about our hearts and our actions. It starts, and ends, with love. 

Oh, and here is a quote if you want some comic relief: 

Baby Joseph's Dad, Sky, called me today to share something Leila wrote. He found it on her iPad and it touched him. It was her mother wishes she wanted for Joseph. I don't know if she was finished with her list but it was enough.

The reality is that Joseph will never know Leila in this life and will have another mother to raise him. He'll be caught up in life and won't have a need to know her. But I suspect many years from now, likely when he's an adult, he'll wonder. He might be drawn to a few of the mementos that connect directly to her. They might give a glimpse of who she was and how she thought. Maybe he'll see a little of himself in her.

So today I spent some of my time putting her words into design for him.

This is a post no mother (father, sister, brother, spouse...) wants to write. Writing it makes it even more real. And the realness of it hurts my heart. 

My daughter Leila died this month. 

I'd like it to all go away - the middle of the night phone call; the realization that something was very wrong; the birth of her child a month early; a devastated spouse; her father far away in the middle of the ocean; doctors, nurses and tests; understanding a blood hemorrhage on the brain stem; the week in intensive care; the baby in newborn intensive care; organ matching and donating; a grieving family; and a funeral. And that is just the beginning.

Obviously it's effected our family deeply. My emotions are raw and I'm at a loss on several levels. Leila's my daughter and my friend. The phrase 'a heart breaking to pieces' is no longer a metaphor for me. It was and is very real. 

As LDS members, we know of the Plan of Salvation, have an understanding of Eternal Life, and that our family can be together again. But for now, it hurts. 

Leila was a part of LDS NEST and her being gone effects what happens here. I've changed. Alisha's changed. We need time to figure out what that feels like and what it looks like for LDS NEST. The one decision we could make is that we will stop with our monthly Newsletter and Notes for a time. I'd like to be able to give more detail about what that means for the subscription but I don't know. I just know we need time. 

We're likely to still post on this blog. It will help us. Maybe it'll help you too. 

Lastly, know that the Lord has worked through so many good, good people with a remarkable outpouring of love for our family. We've not been left alone. There's more on my mind and heart that I want to share but for now this is all I can do. 

Our July Issue is ready today for our LDS Nesties. Fun celebrate summer ideas. Not a member yet? Join up here. Here's a peek at some of the sections of the Newsletter & Notes.

On a previous post I shared some ideas on how to put JOY in Motherhood. It was awesome to hear how you wonderful moms put joy in motherhood, so thank you for sharing! First idea on my list was "take pictures." 

If you're like most moms, you're usually the one taking the pictures and rarely in them. This past week I tried to change that and I think you should too! 

All I did to get these pictures was put my camera on the ground facing us, set the self-timer to a 10-second release, pressed the button, and played with my boy until the camera took a picture. They aren't posed or perfect, and my feet are totally dirty, but I love them. That way when your children look back on your photos and they ask, "Mom, where are you?" you can say, "Look, I'm right there."

Try it out! Make a conscious effort to be in the pictures, not just taking the pictures. Post one to our Facebook page!

When I heard this while listening to General Conference I knew I'd share it with you Nesties. I'm sure alot of you remember this. 

Before conference was over (in all honesty probably before her talk was over) I had written my 25 words. Quick. Raw. From the gut. Doing something like that, spontaneously, gets to the instinctual, real thing. Here's what I felt I would say to my family if I were in that circumstance -  

At that moment, if I had 25 words that would be it. 

Sometimes it's just good to hear what others say. One of our blog commenters Pebbles & Pigtails had the same idea about 25 words too. It would also be good to here your words. 

Share your 25 words below if you've already done it. If not...... do it now!!!!

Don't worry about how it flows. Don't worry about how it sounds. Don't worry what others think. 
Be spontaneous. Be raw. Be vulnerable. Be real. 

A week before LDS NEST's first Newsletter was due out our harddrive died. Which led to the loss of the whole issue without any backed up files. We did well to put the issue together in a week but there were a few things that didn't make it in. So, lucky for our LDS NEST non subscribers we're posting it to show what will go in next time. Kind of like another sample of what the Newsletter & Notes is like. 

This section is FHE for younger ones, called Short & Sweet. It's just a song, scripture, picture, and treat. Short & Sweet. Just for that age group. But, we can see it being used for kids older too. It can give them an outline they can use to give the lesson. Or maybe your family is just short on time and you need something that's not going to last too long. The SAY part can be a discussion of any length. You get the idea, it can be used in a variety of ways. 

Oh, and the great part is that there are hyperlinks when you download the PDF. If you click on the SING, it will take you to that song on LDS.org. There is an audio that has a child singing (you don't even need to know the songs) and plays the music too. If you click on the SAY, it goes to that scripture. Click on the SHOW and it goes to the picture listed. (No SWEETS links. Yet.) Nice, huh? We think so.