Maybe I'm sharing too much. I don't know. There's no manual for these sorts of things. But it helps me. Here are Leila's last thoughts on Pinterest.

We get an email when someone has an interaction with us on Pinterest. We get one even when it's one of us that pins from our personal accounts. Aug 4th-5th was the night/morning that Leila went into the hospital and the last time she was conscious. When I saw an email saying Leila had "liked" something from LDS NEST's Pinterest boards I took note of the date. It was the 4th. I took note of the time, it was 10:10 pm, about 5 hours before her last words.

Since her passing, there's a need to connect with Leila any last little ways I can. I wondered what she'd been thinking as some of her last thoughts so I clicked through to the pin. Here's what it was. 

This is such a bittersweet tug on my heart. It does me good to know these were some of her last thoughts. And maybe she unknowingly left a little message of choosing to be happy by daring to be bold, making it happen, and being unforgettable. This was so Leila. She may have "liked" it but she really lived it also.

This is a post no mother (father, sister, brother, spouse...) wants to write. Writing it makes it even more real. And the realness of it hurts my heart. 

My daughter Leila died this month. 

I'd like it to all go away - the middle of the night phone call; the realization that something was very wrong; the birth of her child a month early; a devastated spouse; her father far away in the middle of the ocean; doctors, nurses and tests; understanding a blood hemorrhage on the brain stem; the week in intensive care; the baby in newborn intensive care; organ matching and donating; a grieving family; and a funeral. And that is just the beginning.

Obviously it's effected our family deeply. My emotions are raw and I'm at a loss on several levels. Leila's my daughter and my friend. The phrase 'a heart breaking to pieces' is no longer a metaphor for me. It was and is very real. 

As LDS members, we know of the Plan of Salvation, have an understanding of Eternal Life, and that our family can be together again. But for now, it hurts. 

Leila was a part of LDS NEST and her being gone effects what happens here. I've changed. Alisha's changed. We need time to figure out what that feels like and what it looks like for LDS NEST. The one decision we could make is that we will stop with our monthly Newsletter and Notes for a time. I'd like to be able to give more detail about what that means for the subscription but I don't know. I just know we need time. 

We're likely to still post on this blog. It will help us. Maybe it'll help you too. 

Lastly, know that the Lord has worked through so many good, good people with a remarkable outpouring of love for our family. We've not been left alone. There's more on my mind and heart that I want to share but for now this is all I can do.