LDS Nest
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Influence
  • Shop
  • Not LDS?
  • Contact
  • Handouts

LDS NEST BLOG

LOVE • LIVE • LEARN • LEAD
NURTURING THOSE WHO NURTURE

DISTINCT & DIFFERENT • IN HAPPY WAYS

JOIN OUR MAILING LIST HERE

ME: Coping with my sister's death and things that helped

10/3/2013

29 Comments

 
Coping with my sister's death; a list of things that helped me <3 #lds #ldsnest
Death happens differently for each person, but the outcome of it is the same for everyone it touches. We are left to mourn someone we love and a chance to live again.

My sister died about two months ago. If you’re new you can read about it here, here, here, and here. If you’ve been with us for that long, you basically know the story. I still don’t understand why she’s gone, and that’s okay, but I wanted to share my "tips" for dealing with death. Hopefully they can help you too.
  1. It’s okay to not be okay. People will ask you, “How are you doing?” Simply and politely be honest. Most of the time when people asked me, “Are you okay?” I replied with, “Not really, but I will be”, or “I don’t really know”. Most people will leave it at that. 

  2. Realize that people who say you “I know exactly what you’re going through...” really mean well, and want to empathize with you. This was really hard for me. My sister was only 28 when she died and was never conscious to see her firstborn child, and when well-meaning people would say things like, “Oh, I just had a grandmother who was married for a thousand years, had 13.689 kids, 2983 grandchildren, and lived a million years passed a year ago…” (slight exaggeration). I had to remind myself that these were friends, just trying to let me know that I wasn’t alone. 

  3. It's okay to talk about it. It's also okay to not talk about it. Sometimes, you just don't want to. and you don't have to.

  4. Don’t blame people for the death; not God, not the doctor, not the drunk driver, not anyone. It doesn’t make you or anyone else feel better.

  5. Let go of guilt. I think there were three times I could have seen my sister in the three days before she was on life support in the hospital, and I didn’t go see her. I’m sad that I didn’t, but I know she doesn’t blame me and wouldn’t want me to be mad at myself for the rest of my life because I didn’t. 

  6. Look for beauty in tragedy. It’s there. You just have to look. 

  7. Pray always. Not sometimes, or often, or whatever. Pray always, and pray for yourself. Always have a prayer in your heart. This actually helps me with life in general, but especially with the passing of Leila. 

  8. Pray for those that have died. Just because they are gone, doesn’t mean you can’t pray for them. I simply pray for Leila to know we love and miss her, and it makes me feel better. 

  9. Utilize the atonement. “There is no sin or transgression, pain or sorrow, which is outside of the healing power of His Atonement.” –C. Scott Grow. The atonement isn’t just for sin! It’s for anything that we can’t bear alone. Remember that Christ knows how you feel, and knows how to comfort you. You just need to ask. 

  10. Write to those that have passed. Sometimes I just miss people. Writing out my feelings as if I’m speaking to them helps a lot. Our family actually set up an email account so people could email letters about Leila to save them for her son. I love reading other people’s memories of her.

  11. Remember them. My sister blogged and took pictures all of the time. Her blog is still up, and her Facebook account is still active so far, so we have been able to look at pictures, and leave notes on her wall like she’s still here. We talk about her as a family. We remember her every day…and sometimes we still make jokes at her expense, just like we used to. 

  12. Visit their grave site. Sometimes I just drive by and say, "Hello!" out loud. You can call me crazy. 

  13. Go to the temple to find peace. 

  14. Serve someone, because there is no better way to forget yourself than remembering someone else.

  15. Remember that families are forever.

  16. It's okay to be happy. 

How have you coped with the death of a loved one? Add to the list in the comments!
Picture
UPDATE: Right after I initially posted this I realized the post title should actually read, "Coping with my sister's death and things that HELP". Because coping with death is on-going...it never really goes away. We remember every day. We live on every day, but it doesn't necessarily make the missing go away. It's a daily thing. I still hope you can find the post helpful to you. Remember to read the comments that have been added for more ways to help cope! (11/06/2013)
29 Comments
Jan
10/4/2013 12:53:19 am

Beautifully written and all so true. I did just lose my mom -- (and she definitely did fall into a different category than you sister does) -- but no matter what, there is always pain and sorrow when death happens. We all need that atonement in our lives -- because it covers everything. What a gift.

Thank you for these thoughts -- beautiful.

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/4/2013 02:47:51 am

JAN! I just love your sweet self. I wish we lived closer. I am so sorry about your mom, but you're right, there is always pain and sorrow. Love, love, love to you guys <3

Reply
Shannon link
10/4/2013 02:46:48 am

One of the ways I cope - remember I still have wonderful children here. Like you. I love you.

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/4/2013 02:48:31 am

Thanks, mom :) love you!

Reply
Sonia
10/4/2013 04:37:07 am

Shannon, Alisha

I have a hard time expressing my feelings, I didn't know Leila as an adult, I have good memories when she was a young women!! She is a lucky girl, you guys are an amazing women!!

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/6/2013 11:58:12 am

Thanks, Sonia, for sharing :) and thanks for reading!

Julie Pendleton
10/4/2013 04:14:52 am

I am so happy to hear you are dealing with your feelings and not trying to be the strong one. It is so important to get it out for as long as you need too. I can say I have no idea what it is like to loose Leila. None! For me I thought often about my children and it still just breaks my heart. I love you and your family and I am very happy that you posted this and that you are open about your feelings. Love you Alisha, Julie

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/6/2013 11:57:15 am

Thanks for reading, Julie :) We love you guys too! I hope things are well!

Reply
Stephanie Atwood
10/4/2013 01:19:41 pm

I cry, when I want, for as long as I want, and don't feel bad about it. Then I think of all the things I love about that person. We love your family. Leila really touched my daughter Savannah's life as her primary teacher! She still talks about her cupcakes too!

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/6/2013 11:59:19 am

Excellent! Crying totally helps, because when I don't, I normally get a massive headache. Thanks for sharing! (oh, and she totally did make the BEST cupcakes)

Reply
Deborah Katz
10/4/2013 04:42:22 pm

When our families does things (like gather around a dinner table or make inside jokes) that our dad/husband would have enjoyed and voiced approval for, we feel him and honor him. We talk about him and remember him all these years later, because we believe he is still part of us. We grieve alone and together, but we found that rejoicing is a group event. I found this odd at first, but it became clearer and more natural as time passed. My thoughts are with you.

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/6/2013 12:00:29 pm

Deborah, I love this. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your thoughts. Our are with you as well {hugs}

Reply
Jules Zadoo
10/6/2013 07:57:53 am

I knew your wonderful sister and now I think I know why....You see, I think God choses people to speak through and send his message of hope and light through to others..At a very young age, 22 to be exact my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I came home from college one night I had a huge dream that she would pass and I think it was God's wonderful way of preparing me for anything..The very next day, she cardiac arrested on us when we went to see her in the hospital.. It was not her time, she hung on for dear life and with the removal of the tumor made a huge recovery..I stayed home with her to get her back to strength that summer and one day she told me of her "near death experience"-(she had no name for it but that for sure is what it was) and the light calling her name and her cross holding soul to remain in her body.. You would have to have known my mother to understand this was a very serious woman who never embellished ANYTHING, so for this dialog to come out of her mouth I knew it was beyond real.. That moment changed my life, that was when I truly became a Christian and devoted my life to serving him.. I went on to become an Intensive Care nurse because of this experience and watching her amazing nurses who impressed me so much..Her journey was very hard to watch and it took 5 years to get her back to functioning but I learned so much about suffering and redemption through it all..Often in the midst of grief we do not understand the lesson, the goodness that will come of so much intense loss and pain-but come it will, in time-it will come if you are open to it all.. The immense joy of being a nurse and learning this is something her pain gave me on the back end, much later on..Had I not become a nurse I never would have met a brilliant surgeon who today I call the most loving husband I could ever had hoped for.I met your wonderful sister over a year ago with Sky through work and I always loved how they marveled at each other in each other's presence-it was true love at very best...I loved how honest and kind your sister was and yet very behind the scenes never drawing attention to herself as an attorney and business woman..When I got the news of her in the hospital it took me instantly back to that place so many years ago when I walked into her room in ICU.. She was physically very present but when I left the room I told my friends she was already gone, her soul had passed and not an ounce of her energy was in the room...I. She had moved on but please know this, her work here on this planet if far from over! Her son will forever be a different kind of young man because of the loss he endured before he even knew what it all meant. He will serve others because of this insight in ways only grief and loss can prepare him for and your entire family will be given the gift to share this strength with others..I think I know why I was supposed to meet her now-maybe to share this insight that with tremendous loss there comes a beauty that can only come directly from the journey..

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
10/6/2013 12:06:54 pm

Hi Jules! I talk about finding the beauty in this tragedy here: http://www.alishagalbraithphotography.com/3/post/2013/08/i-choose-to-be-happy.html#.UlH51FCkqvO Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts

Reply
Dainie
11/17/2013 06:06:20 am

I lost my sister in November of 2010. I went to bed for a year. Or at least I tried to. I connect with so many feelings you have mentioned. Her death was horrific and my guilt afterward was nearly unbearable. In my prayers I asked God to let me see her in a dream. I wanted her forgiveness. She did appear to me in a dream. And it allowed some healing to start. I also pray for her. I sort of feel like it compares to passing notes if that makes any sense. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm not alone.

Reply
LDS Nest {Alisha}
11/18/2013 09:13:54 am

Thanks for sharing, Dainie. You are most definitely not alone! I totally feel like praying for them is like passing notes too :) Again, thanks for sharing--I hope you come again soon :)

Reply
judy
1/7/2014 10:13:41 pm

I just loss my sister Sandra News Years Day to a 17 month battle of brain cancer. I just can not seem to stop the flow of tears. I thought I would be ok because I know she is no longer suffering. I just am having a very hard time of all kinds of emotions.

Reply
LDS NEST {Alisha}
1/11/2014 12:11:46 am

Judy, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. Of course you're happy that she's no longer suffering, but that doesn't mean that you can't be sad and that you won't be sad. I still have days where I just cry because I miss Leila so much. and that's okay. It's those times where we can take the opportunity to turn to our Savior and become closer to him and the ones we miss. We are thinking of you! Hang in there, friend. <3

Reply
Dreama link
3/25/2014 06:07:33 pm

My sister Peggy was my other half. She fought
Cancer so hard no one could imagine.
I stayed with her nine months and watch until
She weight 83 pounds. I don't know how to be
In this world without her and am not sure I will . She found out in one day she was stage four and two months left. She lived a year and a half . I hate cancer

Reply
LDS NEST {Alisha}
3/26/2014 05:11:40 am

What a hard thing to go through! Death sometimes just doesn't make any sense and it's so hard to miss someone we are so close to. But I believe that we can honor those who died by living the best life we possibly can. I believe that's what they would want. Thinking of you today! Loves and hugs <3

Reply
Ellen Boyle
4/7/2014 01:10:12 pm

I don't know where to post this, so I hope you don't find it inappropriate here.....I was a member of LB 5th Ward, Shannon, your husband was my home teacher, at the time you were pregnate with Logan....When he and his companion would come to visit me (I lived there with my mom, grandma, brother and nephew), their visit was the bright spot of my day and I didn't feel so alone, I knew I had brothers in the gospel there.....Your blog and website here just astound me considering you having to deal with a unexpected death....But it doesn't surprise me knowing the kind of family you are.....Death is the hardest test we have, especially when it's out of order with the way it should be....The only reason that works for me is that we were His children first and if He needs one of us, He will take us.....Still, I don't have to like it and I don't like death....I am so thankful that you have an amazing family to support each other....I am not so lucky in that respect.....The memories of my family are not very good and daily I live the consequences of their actions....I sure wish I could have re-met all of your family before Leila passed, she, along with her siblings and parents, sound like amazing spirits, I would have enjoyed seeing her as a grown person....I just wanted you to know that even after these many years I still remember my wonderful home teacher and his dream of a family.....What a legacy you all are!

Reply
Jess
11/1/2014 12:43:49 pm

I just lost my sister, who was also 28, 20 days ago. I am so lost. </3

Reply
LDS NEST - ALISHA
11/2/2014 08:26:34 am

Jess, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think anything can prepare us for the loss of a someone we loved, and a day doesn't go by that we don't remember them. I take comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this, that our Savior knows just how we feel. Thinking of you and your dear sister <3

Reply
Crystal
5/17/2015 06:53:49 am

I just happened to come across this post on Pinterest. I just lost my sister on April 29 to a rare cancer. She was 25 and my best friend. I'm a nurse and I think I've been so busy making sure my parents are okay that I haven't taken time for myself.

Reply
LDS NEST {Shannon} link
5/17/2015 07:14:31 am

Crystal I'm so sorry you lost someone so close to your heart. This is such a raw, tender time. Alisha's tips are helpful and you'll come to know some others from your own experience. In whatever you need and choose to do be close to God. He is Peace. Big hugs to you.

Reply
Britney
8/2/2015 06:43:23 pm

It's 3 am on August 3rd.
I'm recently passing the 1 year anniversary of my 19 year old sisters death. This was helpful. I miss her. It's not fair.

Reply
LDS NEST - ALISHA
8/3/2015 01:12:06 pm

Britney, I am so sorry to hear that your lost your sister as well. Death happens differently for everyone, but it's the same for all of us as we are left without someone we love physically near us. I am glad this was at least a little bit helpful to you! This month is especially emotional for our family as it marks Leila's birth, death, and the birth of her boy. We all try our hardest to live by her motto "I choose to be happy". Some days it really is a conscious effort.Virtual hugs to you! ♥

Reply
Tarryn
10/12/2015 10:47:55 am

I lost my sister 5 years ago i was 13 at the time and she was 15,it was the hardest thing that ive ever had to deal with and still today i find it difficult to speak of her and i often have to stop myself from all the memories that still remain,or i cant stop myself from balwing my eyes out,you would think after 5 years i would be use to it or it would have sunk in but everyday feels like she left me yesterday reading your story was so sad for me but in a way really showed me that things will get better the pain will never go away as ive realized but i have to talk about her and share with people and tell them how amazing she was and the journey she experienced. i miss her so dearly, thank you for this post ! we really need more people like you in this world

Reply
LDS NEST - ALISHA
10/13/2015 09:30:38 am

Tarryn, I am so glad you were able to find and read this. Losing a sister is so hard! I still cry over little things and the missing never really goes away. Please talk about your sister! It will help. Thank you for your kind comment <3

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Makers sharing 
    with other Makers
    love, live, learn & lead
    in happy 
    LDS NEST ways
    enter email
    You might find something that feathers your nest here!
    LDS NEST • LOVE
    LDS NEST • LIVE
    LDS NEST • LEARN
    LDS NEST • LEAD

    Enter your email address below to only get blog posts emailed to you. If you want special offers and updates then subscribe using the green button:

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Enter email


    All
    01 Me
    02 Mate
    03 Mom
    04 Manager
    05 Manufacturer
    06 Money Maker
    07 Moralist
    08 Maven
    09 Magnet
    10 Messenger
    11 Member
    12 Mentor
    Agency
    Challenge
    Children
    Come Follow Me
    Downloads
    Family
    Family • Leila
    Fathers
    Fhe
    General Conference
    Gifts
    Holidays
    Lds Fashion
    Lds Nest
    Lead
    LEARN
    LIVE
    Love
    Marriage
    Motherhood
    Newsletter & Notes
    Parenting
    Party
    Personal Progress
    Pregnancy
    Projects
    Recipes
    Relief Society
    Ring Thing
    Scripture Study
    Teens
    Tips
    Traditions
    Training
    Us
    Young Women



    December 2016
    February 2016
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013

    RSS Feed


    This is NOT an 
    Official site of 
    The Church of 
    Jesus Christ 
    of Latter-day Saints.

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.